banned in Baltimore

Saturday December 1, 2012

Had been doing very well with the "What's that smell?" phrase of the week, only had to say it as we barrelled into Atlantic City last night. We had a thoroughly trashed hotel room, in the true rock and roll tradition, food wrappers, scattered clothing and unmentionables underfoot, and the required chorus of ow's, ouch's, ugh's, and oof's. I have it on good authority that prior to our awakening, that various tonsorial snorts and snores were heard, in the best tradition of the Anvil Chorus. Ah, the glamorous life, are you jealous yet? We just do not magically appear at each venue fresh and ready to go. It takes caffeine, and spandex, and a lead footed driver.

This is the first morning we oversleep, and have the most difficulty getting ready. Some of us needed a carrot dangled in front of use as enticement. I needed a bagel. Our numbers had slowly increased during the week, each one duly noted, and welcomed, with the last one arriving days later than expected. Thoroughly scolded by someone affecting a funny accent.

We say goodbye to November with sadness, as the events can never be relived again, the sounds heard, never heard in the same way again, meals eaten, secrets shared, all unexpected, and not even on our itinerary. And I got a new pair of black boots!

I apply my flawless natural complexion using expensive products found in jars, and expletives found in my mouth. Foundation garments and hopping about to get the right effect, making sure that nothing jiggles in the wrong places, since most jiggling body parts are usually in the wrong place, and off we go.

Waving goodbye to all my fans, friends and family, or perfect strangers looking at me oddly, we pack ourselves into the car. It is amazing what determined well dressed ladies can accomplish when the right carrot is dangled. Like origami cranes, we folded ourselves in just the right places to not show creases, and off we went, across several state lines again. They may be small states, but they are different ones, and we got to play the "what's that smell?" game while simultaneously playing "Where are we anyway?" would you be surprised if we ran into anyone we knew along the way?

Baltimore. Near the Capitol of the USA, but not quite the same. Where the Francis Scott Key wrote the words to "The Star Spangles Banner" and where I was called a streetwalker in 2008. AHH the good old days. There was a chance to purchase a photo with whatstheirfaces, but I declined, and bought a lesser priced seat, as I had been photo'd for free before, and figured others needed the opportunity more than I did. And really? I should charge for photos, it looks lucrative. But I keep doing it for free, alas, more missed chances to make a profit. Then I sat in the only row I ever sat in at this venue, the front row. I am ready to perform.

This was as perfect a concert as I hope to hear this past week. This is why I relentlessly and obsessively go to multiple concerts, I do not want to miss this. Was it perfect? no. but it sizzled from beginning to end, there were genuine smiles and off mic grunts and oohs during the show. I have been to many shows, I now the difference between a show smile, and a genuine smile, and tonight we got the real thing. People were quite pleased with their performances. There was no mystery verse in Gemini Dream, there was a sing a long in Question, and the audience was fabulous.

I remember that in 2008 I was glad I had made the trip to Baltimore, despite the rude greeting I had received from someone I reached out to, in friendship, and I was a bit leary, looking at all the business suits walking in. It was a rare audience member that I saw in obvious lack of undergarments; not too many hippies returning to their youth tonight. Or so I thought. These uptight politicians and business people rocked. Up, cheering and applauding at every opportunity. Like I say all the time, if you want a good concert, be a good audience. The concert was effortless, a joy. Did I mention it was a good concert?

IKYOTS

The standing was from the beginning, everyone was up. I noticed that the several layers of foundation garments under my skinpy dress were shifting. Really shifting. If I didnt get to the ladies soon,there would be a few less mysteries left in life to ponder. Especially upsetting for a couple of older men with guitars feet from me. I didn't want that on my conscious. But how could I sit? And TSIYE? No way. So, if anyone thought my gyrations were worse than normal, it was all deliberate, choreographed to keep my hosiery from hitting the floor. A knocked kneed trot through the audience to the ladies at half time followed.

Why do people congregate to the stage during half time? and Why do they dislike my getting back to my seat? And to the lady that asked? It is fabulous to sit here. And no, I do not worship anyone, they are not gods, they are people. And I am getting rather fond of them, will miss all this when it is over.

So, we leave this great place, where although I dressed the part, was not called a streetwalker this time, at least not to my face,. We continue onwards, towards home, remembering that that smell is in Delaware, and not New Jersey, and we go onwards, stopping only when we reached the breaking point, and a place without a bad smell. I play the princess, and wave to my constituents, wishing all a good night.

And I still do not have a cold, nor does someone else.