November 19, 2012

Seriously, who would have thought thirty years ago, that one concert could change so may lives in so many ways?

I can pinpoint in time and space when the universe took a turn, and I began a journey that hasn't ended yet, and I think of all the lives that one decision has touched; the people with whom I have traveled, laughed and cried with, and those that i have yet to meet. The people I have left behind, and those that have gone on, leaving me behind. The tens of thousands of people, who at first were sitting in the concert halls in front of me, now seated behind me. The fabulous and frivolous, the sad and bad places I have been to, and that none of this would be, if I hadn't left the house one night in July 1984. Oh, I have enough humility to realize that the concerts would have happened, many, if not most of the people would have found their ways there, but not in the combinations and configurations that occurred.

There are those that may publically and privately wish I had never shown up, but I doubt anyone on the stage feels that way. In fact, Ive been told differently. There are times I wonder if the concert would have been as fabulous if I hadn't been there hopping up and down, and there are times I wonder how a concert can be good without me.

There are those who brag about the amount of concerts that they have gone to, and are lying. I haven't been to the most of any fan, not close, but given the known, I doubt anyone can pass me in attendance at this time. I want to hope that there are that may shows ahead of us, but at the current rate of performances per year, doubtful, given all our ages. But never say never, in a perfect world, someone going to more than 300 concerts starting today would be fabulous, because I would be there too.

So why do I go? I have no idea. If I did, perhaps I'd get my fill and go home. Its been close a few times, but something always happens to relight that spark. I get all jumbly tumbly tummy before each show, as if I were the performer. Each song being played is my favorite, or at least has a twiddly bit that I find satisfying, and the sadness I feel as it ends is quickly replaced by the elation felt as the next song begins. Yes, I have heard a few songs too many times, and I will never publically admit to which ones, and for the most part, they arent performed anymore. And no, it never gets old, not entirely. yes, they sing the same songs every night, with the occasional shakeup, and no it isnt the same night after night. Im in a different venue, a different seat, Ive traveled, eaten, slept, changed clothes, and lived more in that past 24 hours than most people might live in a lifetime. At the start of a  Tour, I have an idea of where I'll be going. At the end of the Tour, looking back, it is never as planned, and beyond expectations. I've often found myself at the last show of the Tour, weeks after the beginning, made with last minute plans, no ticket, no reservations, no money, having a great time.

I have found my happy place. Many people search for this, few find it. Some bury their searches in a bottle, or bags of powder and pills. Some hide at home, blaming poor health, poor finances, bad marriages for all their misery. Some even hide behind the anonymity of the Internet and hurl insults, and dissect and try to decipher motives, using their fantasies and suspect reasons for why they would do this, and why I really go, and disagree with me when I tell the truth. I keep going because it makes me happy. Plain and Simple. Can one describe that all over tingle, that butterfly belly, the dry mouth? That "night before Christmas" feeling only a young child feels? The night before your wedding feeling? Ive never had that, but I suspect it is similar. Dont you want to feel that again? I do, and this does it for me. Like enjoying chocolate, or wine, can you describe it adequately for anyone to understand? Do you let negative remarks keep you away? I doubt it. So, let me enjoy this, this fleeting feeling, and let me be.

To be at a concert. To hear that special combination of notes that will never be played this way again, to have the sound waves wash over me, pass through me, go beyond me, getting smaller and smaller then dissappearing into infinity. I am part of this, the now. I see the people on the stage, people who once were the bright young things in a studio, long ago and far away, writing, recording these songs, The disembodied voices I used to command to play, exactly the same every time, by spinning a vinyl disc and placing a diamond in the grooves. Then by having a laser read an invisible code, how cool was that? Now I get to hear them do these same old songs in a new way, the way they want to present it today, and sometimes not quite coming off as planned. The best concerts are the perfect ones, and the ones with the most mistakes. And the ones in between. To hear someone sing a song for their 3000th time, and my hearing it live for the 300th time, and to have it end with a feeling that I witnessed something special is phenomenal, and that is maybe why I keep going, to not miss that one great moment that rises above all the others.

And why I dont want to go. There comes a time, each Tour, that moment of complete clarity, when I realize what I am doing.

I am spending money that could be put to better personal use. I am traveling to mundane, boring places with no plan to do anything there other than get to the venue, and leave 3 hours later. I go to the most glamorous places in the world, and miss all the tourist spots. I am wearing innapropriate clothing, spending a lot of time in cars, busses, trains, planes, and hotel rooms. I am listening to 20, 30, 40 year old songs, written by idealistic young men, sung by grand dads. I am no longer the young nubile attractive suductive female that one associates with a rock band.

And yet, once the lights dim, we all transform back to what whe want to be, rock stars, young girls, young men, All happy to be there, and it comes back to why I am there. And why they are here, it makes us Happy. And we all look around, to the familiar faces, the ones we are glad to see, and the ones we are not always glad to see, and we think, "where would I be if I wasnt here?", and the thought moves away faster than a cymbal crash, and off we go, Happy. Singing off tune, hitting sour notes, dancing with arthritic joints? Not during the show, no one notices, at least not enough to spoil it.